6.50am and I am walking into the hospital numb with fear, I knew I was numb as I had fell over in the car park and not felt a thing!!
It was the day of the hysterectomy operation, I couldn’t believe I was actually going ahead with it. The week before I was so scared I locked myself in the bathroom and cried buckets whilst swigging on a can of larger. I had hit emotional rock bottom. Everyone was telling me to pull myself out of it but I couldn’t, I was traumatised..
Would I still a woman without my reproductive organs? What if the operation went wrong? How would my beautiful girls cope without their mom? What if I am so traumatised by not having a fourth child I resent Mr H?
These questions went round and round and round my head until I couldn’t see that actually this operation could be the best thing that ever happened to me.
Mr H was worried I could feel his nerves, he was wittering on about where he should go for breakfast and had I remembered to sign the girls homework diaries. He knew I had, I had cooked and prepared enough food for a month, produced a schedule for the girls, hired home help with cleaning, washing and bed changes, paid all the girls after school commitments two months ahead. I was an organised freak.
I was sat in the theatre waiting to be put to sleep, I decided to distract myself and tune into spirit to read every medic that came near me. The anesthetist – Spirit “He’s a rugby player he’d had a good match last week” I told him and he looked confused and said “yes it was a great match”
The theatre nurse – Spirit “This lady has healing capabilities” I held her hand and soaked up her energy.
They were all so kind to me, I felt safe and looked after. They made me laugh and when I said to them “Guys I have three children and a husband that wouldn’t cope without me, I need to wake up”
They all smiled and promised me I would wake up. I quickly said to spirit “Please look after me, keep me safe, let me be ok and let this trauma be worth it”
I could see the white anesthetic needle out of the corner of my eye, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes…….